“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”
~Oprah Winfrey

On Monday, April 26th I was hit by a car on my way to work. I was so excited to start finals week, and wrap up my senior year that I forgot to do something important: be on the lookout for the universe to screw with me.

I’m okay now. I can walk straight, my vision has returned, and so has my voice. However, I am not fine. 

I promised my mom a few months ago to practice self-care and look after myself better, and I intend to keep that promise. However, it is hard. Once I finally felt happy and energetic after a long winter and terrible roommate situation, virtual classes and illnesses, anxiety towards the future and loss of motivation in the present, I was hit by a car!

If there’s one lesson I keep learning over and over again in this adult life, it’s that there’s always something to worry about; there’s always an obstacle to overcome. 

I try to live in the present, to be grateful for the good days and hopeful for the joys to come, but I can no longer ignore my pain. I’ve struggled for so long to feel grounded, to feel my feet on the pavement rather than the wind.

Perhaps the accident was a blessing in disguise? No, it hurts too much for me to even recall the events to be blessed. However, I do prefer to look on the positive side of things. The dizziness, blurred vision, and other symptoms made me feel connected to my body. Every time I accidentally touched a bruise I felt real

This car accident forced me to pay attention to my body’s needs, and I see now how neglectful I’ve been. If I were someone else, I’d be concerned, but because it’s me I told myself I was fine and that I just needed to keep pushing and eventually I would be able to wash my face, eventually take that shower, eventually take that nap, eventually sit down and just let myself cry. 

Yesterday was my first Self-Care Saturday for this summer, since if I was still a student this would be my summer break. I shaved, washed my body squeaky clean, folded my laundry, did the dishes, relaxed to cartoons, ordered a pizza, and had fun on social media.

However, during my shower I thought of this Tok Tok trend where people talk about their wonderful memories with their loved ones who have passed away, and I lost it. 

I cried and cried and cried a very ugly cry. As I type this, I find myself crying. I don’t know what to do with these feelings, I have hospital bills to pay, a bike being fixed, a full-time job, trying to find housing, dealing with my college (even now!!!), it’s all SO MUCH!!! I just want to be okay, you know?

Some may consider this toxic positivity, but I’m going to say it anyway. When I go to bed, I will get good sleep because I am exhausted. I will wake up in the morning and go to work with a smile, singing along to my “omw 2 wrk” playlist.

I will genuinely feel good, even happy when I’m with my coworkers and the children, but when I get home I am left with the thoughts of how I could be doing so much if only I wasn’t hurt. 

It’s not always helpful to try and make myself see the good in my trauma, but this is how I cope, and healing is a process. Tonight, I look forward to tomorrow. I look forward to the end of the week when I can look back and see how far I’ve come.

As time moves forward, I will get farther and farther away from April, and closer to being healed. I realize now, that’s all I can ask for.

I realized with my recent trauma that I really, really, really am terrible at prioritizing my health. My physical health being put into such a position opened my eyes. 

 

*May 23, 2021: I decided to link to my first YouTube video now that I’ve started my channel to show that I am better now. 

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